"Lex, why can’t you just f*ing commit to something?"
I’ve been living in between worlds for a while now. In 2020, during the midst of the pandemic, I moved to Montana. I fell in love with a man who held my heart in ways I did not know were possible. After a time period of bliss, of imagining a life together, raising a family in this town - the universe afforded him the opportunity to move cities to take a promotion. to a city that I didn’t necessarily want to be in… even though I could logically convince myself of all the things I would like about it. Him taking this action on his behalf prompted me to question what I wanted for myself as well. So after an incredibly hard time period of deciding our next moves, he moved to his new city and I moved to Hawaii. Both of us, alone, but still in the safety of the container of our romantic relationship. We missed each other a lot, so I moved back to Montana to be with my mountain-man. But when I arrived, I still craved the life path I had found for myself in Hawaii. So he, in a grand act of love, moved with me back to Hawaii together to try to be happier there.
Living in between those two worlds for a moment. Montana representing healing, safety, comfort, healthy love, unconditional love. Hawaii representing liberation, independence, following my own path, listening to my own calling.
After a time period of realizing our partnership wasn’t aligning in Hawaii… we moved back to Montana again. I managed to last 3 nights. As much as I loved my romantic partner, I knew that my soul did not feel at home in that place. It was not my path. It was his. Just as Hawaii was my path - not his. And although I tried to ignore the calling deep in my bones to go my own way, there reached a point where I could not. So, I dropped my Montana mountain-man right back off where I met him in Livingston, Montana. He continued his journey, after a whirlwind of 2 years, and I moved in with my aunt in Texas. A time period of transition.
I was lost.